Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future

Now you listen directly to me, for I am the ghost of Christmas past, and I have come to show you what Christmas was like. This was Christmas for little Carl in 1968. You remember that Christmas, don't you? The war of man against machine raged on through the early seventies. You don't remember because back then it was only a prophecy. But now, in the future, the past has occurred.

Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus: an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dino-bone and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators who were awoken by the searing grunts of the children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year; for many were killed!

Thousands of years ago, a warlike race of elves from the red planet landed on the ice-encased earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa ape to make his confused toys, using galactic elfin technology for Evermore Sanchianados. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like 'train' but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked in a big way.

Thousands of years ago, the ice had made the globe unnavigable. Santa ape did not know what a north pole was. How could he? He was born before science existed, so he arbitrarily placed his workshop right here, long before they unionized, and Christmas was celebrated at each full moon in front of the great red ape.

And that is where babies come from, for machines.

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About Me, Not You

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