101 Ways To Wok Your Dog, part 2

[Read Part One]

Thirty minutes later, I've eaten as much of the bland, greasy ALCOHOL-FREE bourbon "chicken" as my tongue can handle. Highly recommended? I don't think so.

My fortune cookie says: "Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day." No, not really, but I think it's funny. Anyway, as I'm flicking the last of the chicken-on-a-stick with my tongue, it hits me: Hotties bookmark.

See, according to Anti-Blogger's friend, the meaning of life is "Poop, booze, masturbation, and sex...in that order."

Poop via satisfying dump…check.
Booze via bourbon chicken…attempted check.
Masturbation via…Hotties bookmark!

So off to my computer I go. I begin to tremble in anticipation of releasing enough marines to invade frickin' China itself. I find the bookmark and instinctually click on the picture of the hottie again. I see her profile picture again. Nice. Then I make the error of actually reading the words on the screen:

Yahoo! ID: belladonna10177
Real Name:
Location: London, UK
Age: 26
Marital Status: Single
Gender: Female
Occupation: Transsexual Call-Girl

Double take: Trans…what? This is why I don't care for books. No way. I double-check the picture. Yes, that's a hottie…WITH A PENIS?! I begin to panic. I click the back button. I scroll down the page entitled "Prettiest of the Pretty" and to my shock and horror picture after picture scroll by. No, this can't be right. Why are large, hairy, burly men wearing wigs and dresses? I begin to feel dirty, like that one time when I was an altar boy (but that's another story).

Damn you, Mr. Internet! My cock goes limp (eventually). I quickly surf some wholesome teen pron to recalibrate my sexual alignment. Yes, much better. I may now continue with my checklist.

Someday, I hope to complete all four meanings of life…in order. But not this night. My grip grew tired and my eyelids grew heavy. This dog would walk no more and the sun would soon be up...

Don't believe me?