Don't Judge A DVD By Its Cover

Perusing a local Borders bookstore, I eventually found myself clutching two DVDs (I don't care much for books):


Before I proceed, let me explain.

Quest for Fire: If I recall correctly, there's some bare titty in it and some "hittin' it from behind" action. 'Nuff said. Ben Stiller Show: If I recall correctly, there's a "crackling crotch" sketch that nearly killed me back in the day.

Now then. Let it also be known that I am a cheap bastard. I won't buy something unless A) there's sex involved, B) there's bleeding to be stopped, C) it's dolphin safe, or D) all of the above. Actually, it's not that I'm cheap per se, but rather that I don't like to buy cheap. You may now proceed to the next paragraph.

So off I go happily prancing to the check-out when I'm ambushed with "if you buy a third DVD, the fourth one is free". Damn it. Free stuff...my nemesis. I scurry back to the DVD section, my mind racing with movie titles.

"Attention shoppers, Borders will be closing in 15 minutes." Dear god, have I truly spent the last hour flipping through DVDs? Sweat begins to bead up on my upper lip. The H is O.

In my hands I hold:


That's right... Fuck you.
As I turn to head back to the checkout, another title catches my eye:

If I recall correctly, there's tits and ass in it. Plus vampires and nudity. Did I mention sex?

Five titles, 10 minutes, one to discard. Guess which one I put back and I'll tatoo your first name on my perineum... If it's not already there... And if I have room (HA! That was a joke).