Monday, January 24, 2011

Five Things Not Worth Dying For

1. A bigger butt.

A woman died from apparent complications of liposuction and a buttocks enhancement procedure.

2. Fireworks.

A man died when the hand grenade he was trying to open with a chainsaw to retrieve the gun powder with which to make fireworks exploded.

3. A cell phone.

A man drowned in about a foot of water after becoming trapped head-first in a sewer while attempting to retrieve his cell phone.

4. Starcraft.

A man collapsed and died after spending 50 hours online playing Starcraft.

5. Bigger boobs.*

A woman died after her sixth breast enlargement operation to go from a 34F to a 34G.

*Included only to pander to my female reader(s) because as my male reader(s) know, anything smaller than 36DD is a waste of time and money but not effort.

Here's a completely unrelated picture for you to discuss amongst yourselves:

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About Me, Not You

I was christened Wannahockaloogy by our tribal leader. He was a bitter old man with throat cancer who believed that, to truly hock a loogie, one must not retrieve the phlegm from the throat, but from the soul. His weakened, delirious state made it easy for me to overthrow him and seize control. Now, I am the chief and I have internet access. Beware, delirious smoking populace. Beware.